Today on the light rail, I met a leprechaun.
Ok maybe he was just a little person, but he had red hair and a beard like a leprechaun.
I didn't talk to him, mainly because I'm still sick (didn't go to work yesterday, hence no post) and my throat was hurting. But I almost wanted to ask him if he'd grant me 3 wishes...
nvm that's a genie.
Moral of the story: I thought today would bring better luck after seeing this guy.
Public Service Announcement: IT'S RODEO SEASON!!! And I know all you people may be taking the light rail to the rodeo. If you have any good stories or good pictures, feel free to email them to me and I'll include them in a weekend post. Also, this site should be moving VERY soon to a different domain, I'll keep you posted.
Friday, February 26, 2010
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Go girl it's your birthday..open wide..you know you're thirsty....
Today on the light rail, I ran into the big dude from yesterday AGAIN. He sadly did not recognize me, but I definitely knew who he was. Now today was even funnier than yesterday.
Big Dude gets on the light rail with 2 of his friends (no skinny dude from yesterday, I think his wife probably wanted Jack in the crack again...). One of them walks on with his soundtrack for life playing (that's what Archie used to call it when he walked around with his personal stereo playing daft punk). The music being played is "OOOOOOhhh baby I be stuck to you like glue..." In other words, the Bedrock song (which is a personal party fav).
I start getting into the music, because it is my Birthday and I can do what I want. The guy changes the song the Say Ahh. If you do not know this song, it's because you're probably too old, so here it is for you:
So of course I'm jammin with the guy sitting next to me.
Rando: "You like dis song?"
Me: "haha only because it's my birthday.."
Rando: "Oh shit! Go girl..it's your birthday..."
So this goes on for a little bit and the guy turns his music down because Big Dude's phone rings:
Big Dude: "Hello.....Who is dis?.......Girl how you get muh numba?......I GAVE IT TO YOU??...I musa been on some SERIOUS Crack when I did dat...You should prolly lose this..."
I can't hold in my laughter. This other guy near me is laughing too. Then the music man turns back on the Bedrock song. I can tell this is Big Dude's favorite song when it gets to these lyrics. They sing in unison:
"Ok I get it, let me think, I guess it's my turn, Maybe it's time to put this P-$$y on ya sideburns...He say I'm bad, He prolly right..he pressing me like button downs on a Friday night....I'm so pretty like, be on my pedal bike, Be on my low scrunch, Be on my Ecko Whites....He say Nicki don't stop you da bestest, And I just be coming off the top as bestest."
It was like a gospel choir singing. They were so into it. All the people around were like "what the heck are they singing..." and only I knew.
Moral of the story: Happy Birthday to me.
Big Dude gets on the light rail with 2 of his friends (no skinny dude from yesterday, I think his wife probably wanted Jack in the crack again...). One of them walks on with his soundtrack for life playing (that's what Archie used to call it when he walked around with his personal stereo playing daft punk). The music being played is "OOOOOOhhh baby I be stuck to you like glue..." In other words, the Bedrock song (which is a personal party fav).
I start getting into the music, because it is my Birthday and I can do what I want. The guy changes the song the Say Ahh. If you do not know this song, it's because you're probably too old, so here it is for you:
So of course I'm jammin with the guy sitting next to me.
Rando: "You like dis song?"
Me: "haha only because it's my birthday.."
Rando: "Oh shit! Go girl..it's your birthday..."
So this goes on for a little bit and the guy turns his music down because Big Dude's phone rings:
Big Dude: "Hello.....Who is dis?.......Girl how you get muh numba?......I GAVE IT TO YOU??...I musa been on some SERIOUS Crack when I did dat...You should prolly lose this..."
I can't hold in my laughter. This other guy near me is laughing too. Then the music man turns back on the Bedrock song. I can tell this is Big Dude's favorite song when it gets to these lyrics. They sing in unison:
"Ok I get it, let me think, I guess it's my turn, Maybe it's time to put this P-$$y on ya sideburns...He say I'm bad, He prolly right..he pressing me like button downs on a Friday night....I'm so pretty like, be on my pedal bike, Be on my low scrunch, Be on my Ecko Whites....He say Nicki don't stop you da bestest, And I just be coming off the top as bestest."
It was like a gospel choir singing. They were so into it. All the people around were like "what the heck are they singing..." and only I knew.
Moral of the story: Happy Birthday to me.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
ooOOOoooooo babbbyyyy girrrlllll
Today on the light rail, I felt like I was watching American Idol...you know, the crappy people that somehow make it onto the show just to make the ratings go higher so people can continue to make jokes about them for the next year...
This big dude gets on the rail with his skinny friend and sits in the row in front of me. He has music blasting in his ear phones. I wanted to start doing sign language with him because maybe he's hard of hearing. I continued to think this when he started making noises to the music.
You know the kind of noises R&B artists make? The "OOOOHHHH" "ahhhhhhhooooogurrrllll". That is what he started to do. He sounded like a dying whale, much like this lady. It continued on...
"MMMmmmmMMMMMM oooooOOooooooo baby...uyyyyeahhahdfhgheyweaweytfgadjghaeh"
^I don't know how to type his noises so that's why I just started banging on the keyboard there.^
Then he turned his music down when his skinny friend that looked about 18 said "Man, my wife is crazy, dawg."
This kid is married? He looks like he's 12!
Big Dude: "Why is that?"
Skinny Dude: "Man I be axin where we gun meet her and she goes Jack in the Box. Whadoilooklike a bank? She always be spendin my money."
Big Dude: "Man tell her to get her a$$ on the train."
Skinny Dude: "I know sshhhheeettt."
The big dude puts his head phones back in and continues his attempt at proving he should be the next Boys II Men.
Moral of the story: If you can't sing, please don't sing. Ever. Unless you're calling The Little Gym to sing "I have a beanbag, it's miss ladybug, I have a jumprope, sir centipede".
This big dude gets on the rail with his skinny friend and sits in the row in front of me. He has music blasting in his ear phones. I wanted to start doing sign language with him because maybe he's hard of hearing. I continued to think this when he started making noises to the music.
You know the kind of noises R&B artists make? The "OOOOHHHH" "ahhhhhhhooooogurrrllll". That is what he started to do. He sounded like a dying whale, much like this lady. It continued on...
"MMMmmmmMMMMMM oooooOOooooooo baby...uyyyyeahhahdfhgheyweaweytfgadjghaeh"
^I don't know how to type his noises so that's why I just started banging on the keyboard there.^
Then he turned his music down when his skinny friend that looked about 18 said "Man, my wife is crazy, dawg."
This kid is married? He looks like he's 12!
Big Dude: "Why is that?"
Skinny Dude: "Man I be axin where we gun meet her and she goes Jack in the Box. Whadoilooklike a bank? She always be spendin my money."
Big Dude: "Man tell her to get her a$$ on the train."
Skinny Dude: "I know sshhhheeettt."
The big dude puts his head phones back in and continues his attempt at proving he should be the next Boys II Men.
Moral of the story: If you can't sing, please don't sing. Ever. Unless you're calling The Little Gym to sing "I have a beanbag, it's miss ladybug, I have a jumprope, sir centipede".
Friday, February 19, 2010
Tiger's competition...
Today on the light rail, I met the most BRILLIANT panhandler. Genius, I tell you. I'm telling you this is EPIC compared to other light rail stories (not to mention yesterdays EPIC FAIL because you dweebs won't post your comment).
I was sitting in a seat next to your typical smelly-wearing-all-the-clothes-he-owns-at-one-time street person, when he says to me:
"Excuse me, do you have a pen or a marker?"
I do have a pen in my purse, which is coincidentally a Student Goverment pen that says "EMPOWER" on it (reference my Facebook status on Tuesday, if you can). But I notice the man has a piece of a cardboard box with him pressed between him and the window and realize the permanant marker I took from the lab the other day to label eppendorf tubes at home would be a viable alternative for him.
Me: "Will this Sharpie work?"
Genius: "Thank you!"
I start watching him as he writes on the cardboard box. He starts with the words "HEY ELIN..." and I think to myself, man this is going to be good. He has kind of sloppy handwriting so it's hard to see the rest, but I make out the words "PICK ME"...then I start texting and begin to ignore him until I see the final product.
On brown cardboard, the sign says:
I was sitting in a seat next to your typical smelly-wearing-all-the-clothes-he-owns-at-one-time street person, when he says to me:
"Excuse me, do you have a pen or a marker?"
I do have a pen in my purse, which is coincidentally a Student Goverment pen that says "EMPOWER" on it (reference my Facebook status on Tuesday, if you can). But I notice the man has a piece of a cardboard box with him pressed between him and the window and realize the permanant marker I took from the lab the other day to label eppendorf tubes at home would be a viable alternative for him.
Me: "Will this Sharpie work?"
Genius: "Thank you!"
I start watching him as he writes on the cardboard box. He starts with the words "HEY ELIN..." and I think to myself, man this is going to be good. He has kind of sloppy handwriting so it's hard to see the rest, but I make out the words "PICK ME"...then I start texting and begin to ignore him until I see the final product.
On brown cardboard, the sign says:
HEY ELIN! PICK ME:
-NO $$$ FOR HOOKER
-CAN MAKE YOUR BEDROCK
I died laughing. This man knows how to make money, by using pop culture.
Me: "Wow that sign is brilliant!"
Genius: "Jus sumthin I came up wit. Hopefully it works."
Me: "Do you want this granola bar? I feel like I should give you something. You can keep the marker.."
Genius: "Thanks!"
I gave him my granola bar because although I did have cash, it was in the form of $20 bills and my mom would be mad if I gave this man a twenty for making me laugh.
There's a long pause where I notice he forgot the "S" at the end of "hookers".
Me: "You forgot the S.."
Genius: "No. Did it on purpose."
I'm confused, obviously.
Genius: "I have to get off now."
Me: "Good luck!"
I truly believe this man made the funniest sign I've ever seen...and the fact he knew today was Tiger's press conference was awesome. Too bad he didn't talk much, I wanted some more laughs today.
Moral of the story: If you see this sign today in Houston, give him some money.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
I love Basketball and I'm NOT afraid to admit it...
Today on the light rail, a man brought up a very interesting point that I'm in need of some audience feedback for...
This morning I hopped on the rail to the TMC with a dream in my Longhorn hoodie.
...alright I'll quit with the Miley reference....
So I'm wearing my UT jacket, and usually when I wear this I get a lot of comments, usually because everybody in Texas that is somebody is a Longhorn. So this man, may or may not be homeless, says "Hook 'Em Horns!"
I smile.
FairWeatherFan: "Hook 'Em Baby. Das wut I'm tawkin bout. You watch the game las night?"
Me: "Unfortunately, no. I actually missed both the Rockets and Horns play last night."
FairWeatherFan: "Yous a Rockets fan too??"
Me: "Umm we are in Houston."
FairWeatherFan: "Man I aint heard of many girls that actually watch em on TV though."
Me: "Well Hi, I like to watch sports on TV."
FairWeatherFan: "Whatchu watch on TV?"
Me: "I love basketball. I can't wait for March Madness. Not a big fan of the NFL, but I watch it. College football I watch when I'm not at the game."
FairWeatherFan: "You watch it cus your man makes you?"
Me: "Ha..no..I just enjoy it. Me and my brother used to watch Rockets games together as a kid."
FairWeatherFan: "Mannnn. I aint heard of no girl actually watchin sports without a man twisting her arm. You's a pretty little thang too. Pretty and into sports. Whatchu doin ridin the light rail?"
Me: "I'm going to work in the med center."
FairWeatherFan: "Whatchu do down der?"
Me: "Research. I want to be a dentist."
FairWeatherFan: "Man and you is smart too! Sports and brains. man!"
Me: "Most of my girl friends like sports too..it's not that rare..."
FairWeatherFan: "Man I think you lyin to me. Aint no girl into sports. They supposed to be into fashion and all that."
I laugh...and feel kind of awkward. We don't say much after this. Sure, this wasn't a very 'funny' experience on the rail this morning, but it made me want to ask you peeps a question. When I was a Junior at UT, I had a subscription to ESPN the magazine that I actually read. It was the first thing any guy noticed when they came to the apartment and their first question was "Who's subscribed to this?!!?" with a little bit of excitement in their voice.
So my question to you today....And I need responses...this is an interactive blog today..I know there's at least 50 clicks on here a day...so I'm assuming at least 10 of you read this a day.
What are you thoughts on straight females having a love for sports or a specific sport? Guys, does this make you more attracted to them? Ladies, Do you tend to hide your love of sports for fear the guy will treat you as 'one of the guys'?
And I'm not talking girls that go to sporting events because "everybody does"..I'm talking like Victoria's love for Will Muschamp...or Erin's obsession with watching baseball on TV (zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz)
This morning I hopped on the rail to the TMC with a dream in my Longhorn hoodie.
...alright I'll quit with the Miley reference....
So I'm wearing my UT jacket, and usually when I wear this I get a lot of comments, usually because everybody in Texas that is somebody is a Longhorn. So this man, may or may not be homeless, says "Hook 'Em Horns!"
I smile.
FairWeatherFan: "Hook 'Em Baby. Das wut I'm tawkin bout. You watch the game las night?"
Me: "Unfortunately, no. I actually missed both the Rockets and Horns play last night."
FairWeatherFan: "Yous a Rockets fan too??"
Me: "Umm we are in Houston."
FairWeatherFan: "Man I aint heard of many girls that actually watch em on TV though."
Me: "Well Hi, I like to watch sports on TV."
FairWeatherFan: "Whatchu watch on TV?"
Me: "I love basketball. I can't wait for March Madness. Not a big fan of the NFL, but I watch it. College football I watch when I'm not at the game."
FairWeatherFan: "You watch it cus your man makes you?"
Me: "Ha..no..I just enjoy it. Me and my brother used to watch Rockets games together as a kid."
FairWeatherFan: "Mannnn. I aint heard of no girl actually watchin sports without a man twisting her arm. You's a pretty little thang too. Pretty and into sports. Whatchu doin ridin the light rail?"
Me: "I'm going to work in the med center."
FairWeatherFan: "Whatchu do down der?"
Me: "Research. I want to be a dentist."
FairWeatherFan: "Man and you is smart too! Sports and brains. man!"
Me: "Most of my girl friends like sports too..it's not that rare..."
FairWeatherFan: "Man I think you lyin to me. Aint no girl into sports. They supposed to be into fashion and all that."
I laugh...and feel kind of awkward. We don't say much after this. Sure, this wasn't a very 'funny' experience on the rail this morning, but it made me want to ask you peeps a question. When I was a Junior at UT, I had a subscription to ESPN the magazine that I actually read. It was the first thing any guy noticed when they came to the apartment and their first question was "Who's subscribed to this?!!?" with a little bit of excitement in their voice.
So my question to you today....And I need responses...this is an interactive blog today..I know there's at least 50 clicks on here a day...so I'm assuming at least 10 of you read this a day.
What are you thoughts on straight females having a love for sports or a specific sport? Guys, does this make you more attracted to them? Ladies, Do you tend to hide your love of sports for fear the guy will treat you as 'one of the guys'?
And I'm not talking girls that go to sporting events because "everybody does"..I'm talking like Victoria's love for Will Muschamp...or Erin's obsession with watching baseball on TV (zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz)
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Gingivitis is not an STD
Today on the light rail, I met a man that probably should've taken my place at the dentist office this morning.
I left early this morning to go to the dentist for my 6th month cleaning (probably the best general dentist out there, Dr. Diana Smith, if you're looking for one). I love going to the dentist, and it's probably because I have never had a cavity in my almost 24 years of existence. I had to run across the street this morning to hop on the rail, so the doors nearly closed on me. And this feller started talking to me.
Hick: "Wooo girl that der door just almost shut on you. You know ders a train comin erry 6 minutes I reckon."
I can't help but notice this man's disgusting teeth. It looks like his mouth has been plastered in Dental textbooks...
I left early this morning to go to the dentist for my 6th month cleaning (probably the best general dentist out there, Dr. Diana Smith, if you're looking for one). I love going to the dentist, and it's probably because I have never had a cavity in my almost 24 years of existence. I had to run across the street this morning to hop on the rail, so the doors nearly closed on me. And this feller started talking to me.
Hick: "Wooo girl that der door just almost shut on you. You know ders a train comin erry 6 minutes I reckon."
I can't help but notice this man's disgusting teeth. It looks like his mouth has been plastered in Dental textbooks...
It was actually worse than this..the teeth were not quite straight but I found this picture kind of interesting, although you guys are probably grossed out and X'ed your browser by now..
Me: "I'm just trying to make it to my dentist on time."
Hick: "Whatchu got happntoya today? Ya gunna git sum laffin gas an stuff? Ya got some DE Cay in yur mouth?"
No sir, but you DEFINATELY do.
Me: "No..just a 6 month cleaning."
Hick: "I hate goin to tha dentist. I can't even remember the last time I been. Waste of money. Just gargle some Scope and I'm good."
I want to vomit at this point.
Me: "I love going to the dentist!"
Hick: "Yur prolly tha only one I reckon. Aint nobody like goin to the dentist. Theys got that loud drill and the gritty stuff they put all over your mouth."
Me: "I've never had a cavity in my life."
Hick: "Well I'll be. You must have some good genes to git away wit dat one."
I didn't want to get in an argument with this man and kind of wish the dental student who got on my stop at McGowen would've chimed in at some point. I don't know the chick but she was wearing the dental branch scrubs..but she didn't look like she talked to strangers. What a funny coincidence.
The man got off some point before I had to so I thankfully didn't have to look as his rotten teeth anymore.
Moral of the story: Thank goodness I did not have a cavity this morning at the dentist.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
I almost died....twice...
Today on the light rail, I almost died.
The funny thing is, I was going to share a different story from this morning but the ride home was better.
why?
Because the driver is a maniac and I almost died.
How?
I was standing in the middle, checkin out my favorite radio personality's twitter page...not holding on because I want to stay healthy. And the train did one of those fast stops you're only supposed to do in a car where you slam on your breaks so hard the tires smoke. I practically flew across the train, fell over and then realized I hit my head on a pole.
Now I have a bump on my head.
Moral of the story: Karma's a b*%ch.
UPDATE: Right as I finished writing this via my Palm Pre, I walked into my apartment only to see my roommate standing there doing laundry and I literally almost had a heart attack (she gets off work way later than me and is rarely home before 6). So if somebody is doing some voodoo magic tricks on me to kill me, stop it.
The funny thing is, I was going to share a different story from this morning but the ride home was better.
why?
Because the driver is a maniac and I almost died.
How?
I was standing in the middle, checkin out my favorite radio personality's twitter page...not holding on because I want to stay healthy. And the train did one of those fast stops you're only supposed to do in a car where you slam on your breaks so hard the tires smoke. I practically flew across the train, fell over and then realized I hit my head on a pole.
Now I have a bump on my head.
Moral of the story: Karma's a b*%ch.
UPDATE: Right as I finished writing this via my Palm Pre, I walked into my apartment only to see my roommate standing there doing laundry and I literally almost had a heart attack (she gets off work way later than me and is rarely home before 6). So if somebody is doing some voodoo magic tricks on me to kill me, stop it.
Friday, February 12, 2010
Oh when the saints go marching in...
Today on the light rail, I was surrounded by Saints fans chanting "Who Dat" and other ridiculous sayings.
Now, I love sports. The NFL is a touchy subject...I loved the Broncos for awhile because Selvin was playing. Otherwise, I like watching the game, but don't care who wins. With that being said, I can't tell you much of what happened during the Super Bowl because I was too busy eating Cane's chicken fingers and King Cake. Don't get me wrong, I'm a Saints fan at heart...only because when I was 3 I was on a billboard and in a magazine with this guy:
Moral of the story: If Texas would've won the National Championship, would everybody want to move back to Austin?
Now, I love sports. The NFL is a touchy subject...I loved the Broncos for awhile because Selvin was playing. Otherwise, I like watching the game, but don't care who wins. With that being said, I can't tell you much of what happened during the Super Bowl because I was too busy eating Cane's chicken fingers and King Cake. Don't get me wrong, I'm a Saints fan at heart...only because when I was 3 I was on a billboard and in a magazine with this guy:
true story...I have the magazine in my room..
So other than Morten Anderson and the sketch ball that stole the Heisman from VY, I don't know much about the Saints.
I got on the light rail this morning to a man getting off yelling "Saints country, baby! WHO DAT!?!" And I thought to myself, "Oh No..."
Apparently when it's cold outside, people like to dress in their favorite team's gear. So there were lots of people wearing Saints jackets and beanies. And then you had this guy in his throwback Astros gear:
Road Cone (thanks Alex)
Either way, when I stepped onto the rail, there was more "Who Dat?!" chanting and even more people talking about the Saints.
Homeless man: "Man I live fer da Saints. It was like da bes day of my life las Sunday...."
Man wearing Saints Beanie: "It was a good day for us."
Homeless man: "One of dees days Imma get back over der. Ever since Katrina, I been stuck in Htown, yaknowwhatimsayinman"
Saint Beanie: "I hear ya."
Homeless man: "I jus needa find a way back der and it'll be all good all over again."
There was more conversing about the Saints and I began to wonder who cares...the Super Bowl was last Sunday and I was happy it's time to focus on Basketball. It's almost March.
Moral of the story: If Texas would've won the National Championship, would everybody want to move back to Austin?
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Coffee for Crack
Today on the light rail, a man offered me drugs for my coffee.
...........................Does anybody else see what's wrong with this picture?!?!?!?
It's a rainy morning in Houston today and I stepped on the light rail with every intention to sit down. Today, I was towards the middle of the train; you know the part that's right by the accordion-looking-thing. I sat down next to a man and immediately looked for another place to sit because he smelt like oil, grease, smoke, and like he hadn't showered for months. To my dismay, there were no open seats elsewhere and it would've been obvious if I just stood up 2 feet from the man.
So I stayed put.
StinkyCheeseMan: "What time is it? Is the cafeteria serving breakfast?"
Me: "uhh I dunno...it's 8:45.."
The man starts laughing. It's a weird giggle laugh....
We stop talking for a bit then he starts asking me about my coffee but I can't understand him...
StinkyCheeseMan: "jskghkjhkjghkjrhtwy coffee?" More laughing
Me: "I'm sorry, what?"
StinkyCheeseMan: "ajkghjerhtjherjkthlqhldfjvndfjlblnrthgurtguieiu coffee?" Laughing again....
I sit silent for a bit as he continues to laugh....
Me: "I'm sorry but I just can't understand what you're saying.."
StinkyCheeseMan swallows before he talks this time, "I'll give you some snow cake if I can have your coffee. You make it yourself? It smells good.."
I don't know anything about drugs. I am completely naive in all areas of my life unfortunately, but I do know that if a homeless man offers me "snow cake", he's not talking about a cake in the shape of a snowman.
Me: "uhhhh yes I made it."
StinkyCheeseMan starts giggling again. A lot.
I'm confused at this point...does he really want my coffee that bad? If it wasn't in the only to-go cup I own, I would've given it to him...but I wouldn't have taken his drugs. (or maybe I should've just so I could have a picture for the blog...but then I'd be like Khloe Kardashian in that episode where she found cocaine at her store...)
StinkyCheeseMan: "You eat breakfast at the hospital? I eat like 6 buffets and I pay a dollar and a quarter for it."
Me: "No I eat at home."
StinkyCheeseMan continues rambling on about food with his giggles here and there. What in the world kind of drug is this man on? He won't stop laughing and I begin to wonder why I'm not understanding the joke.
Eventually he gets off the rail at the soup kitchen stop with a few more comments here and there asking me about food. I almost gave him my granola bar but I was so confused by this situation that I couldn't figure out where the granola bar was in my purse.
Moral of the story: If you're lookin for crack, bargain with coffee.
...........................Does anybody else see what's wrong with this picture?!?!?!?
It's a rainy morning in Houston today and I stepped on the light rail with every intention to sit down. Today, I was towards the middle of the train; you know the part that's right by the accordion-looking-thing. I sat down next to a man and immediately looked for another place to sit because he smelt like oil, grease, smoke, and like he hadn't showered for months. To my dismay, there were no open seats elsewhere and it would've been obvious if I just stood up 2 feet from the man.
So I stayed put.
StinkyCheeseMan: "What time is it? Is the cafeteria serving breakfast?"
Me: "uhh I dunno...it's 8:45.."
The man starts laughing. It's a weird giggle laugh....
We stop talking for a bit then he starts asking me about my coffee but I can't understand him...
StinkyCheeseMan: "jskghkjhkjghkjrhtwy coffee?" More laughing
Me: "I'm sorry, what?"
StinkyCheeseMan: "ajkghjerhtjherjkthlqhldfjvndfjlblnrthgurtguieiu coffee?" Laughing again....
I sit silent for a bit as he continues to laugh....
Me: "I'm sorry but I just can't understand what you're saying.."
StinkyCheeseMan swallows before he talks this time, "I'll give you some snow cake if I can have your coffee. You make it yourself? It smells good.."
I don't know anything about drugs. I am completely naive in all areas of my life unfortunately, but I do know that if a homeless man offers me "snow cake", he's not talking about a cake in the shape of a snowman.
Me: "uhhhh yes I made it."
StinkyCheeseMan starts giggling again. A lot.
I'm confused at this point...does he really want my coffee that bad? If it wasn't in the only to-go cup I own, I would've given it to him...but I wouldn't have taken his drugs. (or maybe I should've just so I could have a picture for the blog...but then I'd be like Khloe Kardashian in that episode where she found cocaine at her store...)
StinkyCheeseMan: "You eat breakfast at the hospital? I eat like 6 buffets and I pay a dollar and a quarter for it."
Me: "No I eat at home."
StinkyCheeseMan continues rambling on about food with his giggles here and there. What in the world kind of drug is this man on? He won't stop laughing and I begin to wonder why I'm not understanding the joke.
Eventually he gets off the rail at the soup kitchen stop with a few more comments here and there asking me about food. I almost gave him my granola bar but I was so confused by this situation that I couldn't figure out where the granola bar was in my purse.
Moral of the story: If you're lookin for crack, bargain with coffee.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell
Today on the light rail, I was told I was going to hell.
I hate cold weather. Hate it. Maybe I'd like it better if I actually owned cold weather clothes, but I feel like wearing a long sleeve t-shirt, a fleece, and a coat is just fine for 35 degree weather. Apparently that was no match for the wind this morning, so naturally I couldn't WAIT to sit down on the light rail away from the doors to prevent myself from feeling the draft at each stop.
Yesssss there's a row all to myself.
After a few stops, a man sat down next to me. My new Palm came in the mail yesterday, so I didn't feel obligated to talk to this man since I could catch up on tweets about people's love obsession with Amanda Bynes. But don't think I got away without hearing from this man...
Prophet: "Excuse me ma'am. I hate to be a bother but I see you have nail polish on your fingers.."
I am so confused...of course I got a french manicure before my interview the other day...why does he care?"
Me: "Yes sir, I got a manicure the other day..."
Prophet: "That's the devil's work right der"
Me: "huh?"
Prophet: "Jesus wants you to be just the way you are, all naturAL" (emphasis on the AL)
Me: "ok."
Prophet: "Do you believe in Jesus Christ our Savior?"
Me: "Yes, of course I do. But I also believe it's OK to want to feel pretty by being a bit superficial."
Prophet: "No. It's not ok. It's people like you that are corrupting our children. You need to come to my church because you is not completely saved!!!"
Me: "I'm Catholic."
Prophet: "Catholics aren't saved. You're going to Hell."
I'm done arguing with this man at this point. First he disses my nails, then he attacks my desire to look good and now he's telling me that all Catholics are going to hell. This is more intense than the debate I had with CK about Catholicism.
Prophet: "You need a man like me in your life to show you the way. blahblahblahblahblahblahblahblah"
I stopped caring and luckily he got off at the stop that heads to the soup kitchen. Seriously...I need a MAN to show me the way? Was that whole conversation a pick-up line? Boys...don't ever use that one.
Moral of the story: Is the Pope going to hell too???????
*title of post=book by Tucker Max. It's an awful awful book, but has some funny parts.*
I hate cold weather. Hate it. Maybe I'd like it better if I actually owned cold weather clothes, but I feel like wearing a long sleeve t-shirt, a fleece, and a coat is just fine for 35 degree weather. Apparently that was no match for the wind this morning, so naturally I couldn't WAIT to sit down on the light rail away from the doors to prevent myself from feeling the draft at each stop.
Yesssss there's a row all to myself.
After a few stops, a man sat down next to me. My new Palm came in the mail yesterday, so I didn't feel obligated to talk to this man since I could catch up on tweets about people's love obsession with Amanda Bynes. But don't think I got away without hearing from this man...
Prophet: "Excuse me ma'am. I hate to be a bother but I see you have nail polish on your fingers.."
I am so confused...of course I got a french manicure before my interview the other day...why does he care?"
Me: "Yes sir, I got a manicure the other day..."
Prophet: "That's the devil's work right der"
Me: "huh?"
Prophet: "Jesus wants you to be just the way you are, all naturAL" (emphasis on the AL)
Me: "ok."
Prophet: "Do you believe in Jesus Christ our Savior?"
Me: "Yes, of course I do. But I also believe it's OK to want to feel pretty by being a bit superficial."
Prophet: "No. It's not ok. It's people like you that are corrupting our children. You need to come to my church because you is not completely saved!!!"
Me: "I'm Catholic."
Prophet: "Catholics aren't saved. You're going to Hell."
I'm done arguing with this man at this point. First he disses my nails, then he attacks my desire to look good and now he's telling me that all Catholics are going to hell. This is more intense than the debate I had with CK about Catholicism.
Prophet: "You need a man like me in your life to show you the way. blahblahblahblahblahblahblahblah"
I stopped caring and luckily he got off at the stop that heads to the soup kitchen. Seriously...I need a MAN to show me the way? Was that whole conversation a pick-up line? Boys...don't ever use that one.
Moral of the story: Is the Pope going to hell too???????
*title of post=book by Tucker Max. It's an awful awful book, but has some funny parts.*
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
"I wish I were big."
Today on the light rail, I was called a baby, a term I have heard more often than not lately.
I couldn't do my morning tweeting or texting because I lost my phone on Friday night (stupid dancefloor and/or bathroom at ei8ht). I have my old phone, but the keyboard is broken so I have to text the old school way and it takes too long. So this morning on the light rail, I had no choice but to stand there and do nothing. And that is what I did.....until homeboy started talking to me.
Homeboy: "You headin to school?"
Me: "No..work..."
Homeboy: "Say what? where you work..you don't go to HCC..I thought I seen you get off at that stop..."
Me: "No sir, I work in the med center."
Homeboy: "Say lil mama how old you be?"
Me: "23...."
Homeboy: "Man you's young!"
Me: "But I'll be 24 in 15 days!"
Homeboy: "You is a baby, girl! I actually thought you was like 19 or so...but still...23...man...I'm old."
Me: ".....how old are you?"
Homeboy: "29 going on 29."
clearly this wasn't his real age...I'm guessing early 30s...
Me: "Oh"
Homeboy: "You work in the med center and you only 23? Damn you mus be smart...you go to college?"
Me: "I graduated from UT in 2008."
Homeboy: "Damn girl. I'd holla atchu but you too smart for me. You prolly all philisophical on me an stuff. And you's a baby."
I smiled.
This is probably the 5th time in one week that I've been called a "baby". Evidently when you hang out with ladies and gents pushing 30, you're considered a baby at the age of 23.
It makes me want to find a machine to wish on so I can turn into Tom Hanks.
Moral of the story: But I'm almost 24...........
I couldn't do my morning tweeting or texting because I lost my phone on Friday night (stupid dancefloor and/or bathroom at ei8ht). I have my old phone, but the keyboard is broken so I have to text the old school way and it takes too long. So this morning on the light rail, I had no choice but to stand there and do nothing. And that is what I did.....until homeboy started talking to me.
Homeboy: "You headin to school?"
Me: "No..work..."
Homeboy: "Say what? where you work..you don't go to HCC..I thought I seen you get off at that stop..."
Me: "No sir, I work in the med center."
Homeboy: "Say lil mama how old you be?"
Me: "23...."
Homeboy: "Man you's young!"
Me: "But I'll be 24 in 15 days!"
Homeboy: "You is a baby, girl! I actually thought you was like 19 or so...but still...23...man...I'm old."
Me: ".....how old are you?"
Homeboy: "29 going on 29."
clearly this wasn't his real age...I'm guessing early 30s...
Me: "Oh"
Homeboy: "You work in the med center and you only 23? Damn you mus be smart...you go to college?"
Me: "I graduated from UT in 2008."
Homeboy: "Damn girl. I'd holla atchu but you too smart for me. You prolly all philisophical on me an stuff. And you's a baby."
I smiled.
This is probably the 5th time in one week that I've been called a "baby". Evidently when you hang out with ladies and gents pushing 30, you're considered a baby at the age of 23.
It makes me want to find a machine to wish on so I can turn into Tom Hanks.
Moral of the story: But I'm almost 24...........
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Friday's delayed and tomorrow will be nada..
Friday on the light rail, I met a really nice man. Well, it was technically when I was exiting the light rail.
Man: "Where's your coat??? You're too pretty to be cold!"
I don't typically wear a coat in 50 degree weather, I stick with my fleece jacket, but people in Houston are sissies and always wear coats.
Me: "I'm not that cold."
Notice I deflected his compliment because I didn't care to talk to him...
Man: "well I have to get over to the VA hospital but I lost my Qcard so Imma hafta walk the whole way."
Mind you, this man got off the train at Dryden/TMC....The VA hospital is FARRRRRRRRR from there. I knew what he was about to ask so I just answered the question.
Me: "Well if I had a few dollars, I'd give it to you but I'm sorry sir, I don't have any cash on me."
Man: "Awww that's ok. You's a good person. Have a Blessed day."
I'm a sucker for nice people and my issue is if I actually did have cash on me, I'd probably hand it to him. One time in Austin, this homeless guy (probably early 20s) was begging on the drag. I told him I didn't have any cash but I'd be more than happy to buy him a slice of pizza. He agreed at first but when I went into Austin's Pizza he said, "I'm the one that's supposed to be buying you dinner, I can't accept this." And ran off.
Moral of the story: If you're nice to me, I'll be nice in return. If you're rude, then I might push you in front of the light rail.
Now, I won't be riding the light rail tomorrow (Monday February 8th) because I have free parking in the med center and I don't want to ride the light rail wearing a suit. I hope this helps you get through your Monday. Tuesday...it's on.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Where's that "virtual fence" when you need it...
Today on the light rail, I saw an illegal immigrant.
If you're not from Texas, than you're obviously from an inferior state but that's beside the point. If you're from one of those Yankee states, there's something you should know about Texas. "In the annals of history people [in Texas] will remember 3 things...."*
1. George Bush
2. Crappy Border Patrol
3. The Rockets with Hakeem Olajuwon
Now, I'm not saying EVERY Texan is a Bush fan...and I'm not saying EVERY person wants a tighter border (some people have family on the other side, duh)...but I AM saying Texas cops are nuts.
I'm sitting on the rail and a metro police guy gets on. He was a pretty good looking guy...just sayin'. He starts taking people's Q cards to check them. Luckily mine works just fine. The man across the aisle from me was a different story.
KindergartenCop: "Where's your ticket?"
illegal shakes his head..
KindergartenCop: "Do you speak English?"
illegal nods
KindergartenCop: "You do? Then answer me. You can't ride the rail without paying for it. What, you think you can ride free? Nobody rides free. Everybody else bought their ticket..where's yours?"
illegal seems to be half asleep or on drugs
KindergartenCop: "I need to see some ID. Right there. There's your wallet."
illegal hands him a paper
KindergartenCop: "I need a Texas ID. You don't have one??? You even live here?
illegal mumbles something
KindergartenCop: "Oh we have more issues than you not paying. Get off at this stop with me. You don't belong here."
The policeman walked and then yelled at the man to get off the rail.
Moral of the story: Pay your taxes.
Ref.: Virtual fence
*Semi Pro
If you're not from Texas, than you're obviously from an inferior state but that's beside the point. If you're from one of those Yankee states, there's something you should know about Texas. "In the annals of history people [in Texas] will remember 3 things...."*
1. George Bush
2. Crappy Border Patrol
3. The Rockets with Hakeem Olajuwon
Now, I'm not saying EVERY Texan is a Bush fan...and I'm not saying EVERY person wants a tighter border (some people have family on the other side, duh)...but I AM saying Texas cops are nuts.
I'm sitting on the rail and a metro police guy gets on. He was a pretty good looking guy...just sayin'. He starts taking people's Q cards to check them. Luckily mine works just fine. The man across the aisle from me was a different story.
KindergartenCop: "Where's your ticket?"
illegal shakes his head..
KindergartenCop: "Do you speak English?"
illegal nods
KindergartenCop: "You do? Then answer me. You can't ride the rail without paying for it. What, you think you can ride free? Nobody rides free. Everybody else bought their ticket..where's yours?"
illegal seems to be half asleep or on drugs
KindergartenCop: "I need to see some ID. Right there. There's your wallet."
illegal hands him a paper
KindergartenCop: "I need a Texas ID. You don't have one??? You even live here?
illegal mumbles something
KindergartenCop: "Oh we have more issues than you not paying. Get off at this stop with me. You don't belong here."
The policeman walked and then yelled at the man to get off the rail.
Moral of the story: Pay your taxes.
Ref.: Virtual fence
*Semi Pro
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
"These guys are about as much fun as a tax audit..."
Today on the light rail, I met a retired Navy SEAL.
Bonus points if you know which movie the above quote is from. Text me or comment to win your prize.
I never thought I'd be standing next to a Navy SEAL...never in my life. He was obviously VERY retired and experienced some crazy shit from his days in the Navy. Why do I know that? Because he had this cushiony head protector on. And how did I know he was a Navy SEAL? Because there was a patch on the back of his helmet.
Navy SEAL: "When I was your age, we didn't have those cell phones or iPods."
Me: "Yeah but you had the radio and girls had to wear dresses!"
Navy SEAL: "Those ladies sure were perdy. When I was your age I was fighting in a war.."
Me: "Oh yeah? Well I know I appreciate your service."
Navy SEAL: "Yeah you young people don't know how good you have it..watching your friends die..you couldn't keep people close to you back then because they'd just die..."
I smile and nod...and go back to texting Alex...
uhhhh this man is more depressing than the emails my mom sends me....
Navy SEAL: "That war goin on is nothin like when I was your age...it was much scarier and all these babies whining about being overseas need to suck it up. I was a SEAL..do you know what that is?"
Me: "Yes sir."
Navy SEAL: "I used to be the guy you didn't mess with. But now I'm too old, so I'm not scary am I?"
I just chuckle..
At this point some other man is speaking to him...I try to listen but just hear the words "iPod" and "cell phones" like a thousand times. I think he's repeating our conversation with somebody else.
Moral of the story: When you were my age, you probably didn't blog about people that said 'when I was your age'.
BTW, I DO have a picture of this guy but something is holding me back from posting it......I may edit later...
Happy Happy Birthday to a loyal reader and friend, Andrea!! May today and your next year be full of laughter!!!!
Bonus points if you know which movie the above quote is from. Text me or comment to win your prize.
I never thought I'd be standing next to a Navy SEAL...never in my life. He was obviously VERY retired and experienced some crazy shit from his days in the Navy. Why do I know that? Because he had this cushiony head protector on. And how did I know he was a Navy SEAL? Because there was a patch on the back of his helmet.
Navy SEAL: "When I was your age, we didn't have those cell phones or iPods."
Me: "Yeah but you had the radio and girls had to wear dresses!"
Navy SEAL: "Those ladies sure were perdy. When I was your age I was fighting in a war.."
Me: "Oh yeah? Well I know I appreciate your service."
Navy SEAL: "Yeah you young people don't know how good you have it..watching your friends die..you couldn't keep people close to you back then because they'd just die..."
I smile and nod...and go back to texting Alex...
uhhhh this man is more depressing than the emails my mom sends me....
Navy SEAL: "That war goin on is nothin like when I was your age...it was much scarier and all these babies whining about being overseas need to suck it up. I was a SEAL..do you know what that is?"
Me: "Yes sir."
Navy SEAL: "I used to be the guy you didn't mess with. But now I'm too old, so I'm not scary am I?"
I just chuckle..
At this point some other man is speaking to him...I try to listen but just hear the words "iPod" and "cell phones" like a thousand times. I think he's repeating our conversation with somebody else.
Moral of the story: When you were my age, you probably didn't blog about people that said 'when I was your age'.
BTW, I DO have a picture of this guy but something is holding me back from posting it......I may edit later...
Happy Happy Birthday to a loyal reader and friend, Andrea!! May today and your next year be full of laughter!!!!
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
This witch be crazy.
Today on the light rail, I met the wicked witch of the west:
The train was PACKED today and it seemed like there were more people in wheelchairs than every before. This woman was squeezing through the train trying to find a seat, I guess (and we wonder why Houston is the fattest city in America). She was quite ugly but her Juicy jumpsuit gave off the "I'm-better-than-you-and-I-don't-care-what-you-think-because-I'm-a-diva-and-I'll-cut-you-and-your-little-dog-too" vibe. I was standing next to one of the center poles, trying not to fall on top of the man in the wheelchair. This witch (pun intended) comes from behind me.....
Witch: "Girl I know you know how to move when somebody be tryin' to get by."
I don't say anything as she slides past me with her giant fake Fendi purse.
Witch (to man by me): "I said ESSSCUUUSSEEEEE ME!"
Now, I only type exactly how I hear things so don't blame the writer on this one...
At this point, the lady is literally stepping over the man in the wheelchair. I mean, if I was going to crawl over a man who can't help but stay stationary, I would at least give him a courtesy lap dance. Where were her manners on this one?
She finally got to the only seat open on the rail and let out a giant "UUGHHHH".
Moral of the story: I learned my manners from Sesame Street, not a Cracker Jack box.
By the way, my phone battery was not charged last night, hence the reason I don't have an actual picture of this woman..because believe me, I would've taken it to post her face all over the internet for being so rude.
I do not own this picture.
Witch: "Girl I know you know how to move when somebody be tryin' to get by."
I don't say anything as she slides past me with her giant fake Fendi purse.
Witch (to man by me): "I said ESSSCUUUSSEEEEE ME!"
Now, I only type exactly how I hear things so don't blame the writer on this one...
At this point, the lady is literally stepping over the man in the wheelchair. I mean, if I was going to crawl over a man who can't help but stay stationary, I would at least give him a courtesy lap dance. Where were her manners on this one?
She finally got to the only seat open on the rail and let out a giant "UUGHHHH".
Moral of the story: I learned my manners from Sesame Street, not a Cracker Jack box.
By the way, my phone battery was not charged last night, hence the reason I don't have an actual picture of this woman..because believe me, I would've taken it to post her face all over the internet for being so rude.
Monday, February 1, 2010
What Not To Wear
Today on the light rail, I was given fashion advice from this guy:
Fashion Police: "You prolly shouldn't be wearin stuff like dat to work..give people some bad ideas"
Me: "huh?"
Fashion Police: "I ono you gots on a pretty nice Northface rain jacket, pretty sure you can afford a whole pair of jeans and not pieces."
Me: "I spilt acid on them at work."
Fashion Police: "ouch...well it's time for some new clothes. Those jeans just aint doin it anymore."
Thanks man wearing Jordans and a sweatshirt that looks like a spanish pancho.
Just so you know, that lower hole..the one closer to my knee...has gotten bigger as the day has gone on.
Moral of the story: If I ever need fashion advice, I'm asking the man wearing this throwback Brookyln Dodgers Jacket...
...not the man wearing Jordans.
Sorry I didn't have a post on Friday...my day was crazy at work...and today hasn't been much better. Have no fear, now you see I've been learning how to take pictures without people knowing. Hope you all had an equally awesome weekend as I did...my intention was to actually take the rail to House of Blues on Friday night and write a hopefully wicked post Saturday. But apparently the LR comes every 20 minutes at that time of night. And it was cold.
Now, I'm not quite sure if maybe he's secretly the fashion police, but his old school dirty Jordans I guess made his whole ensemble much better than mine. I should probably preface this conversation with this man by telling you a story about my favorite pair of jeans (even though they're only Fossil brand) that I am wearing today.
These jeans are pretty thin in terms of material to begin with, so that doesn't help when they're being washed often since I wear them a lot. But if you don't know, I work in a lab. I work with acid a lot (no, not THAT kind of acid..I'm talking like Sulfuric acid). Although I wear gloves, I tend to only wear my lab coat when I'm cold or working with cells. Hence, I spill acid on my clothes and therefore create my own version of acid-washed jeans. I figure since it's cool to buy clothes with holes in them, it's OK for me to wear these jeans....but they're actually getting pretty bad.....
yes, I am wearing these today.
But I don't really care...might as well continue ruining the same pair of jeans instead of new clothes, right? Well not what this guy thought.
Fashion Police: "Damn girl whatchu do to dem jeans?"
Me (slightly embarassed): "I dunno" (I didn't have coffee again this morning, just so you know)Fashion Police: "You prolly shouldn't be wearin stuff like dat to work..give people some bad ideas"
Me: "huh?"
Fashion Police: "I ono you gots on a pretty nice Northface rain jacket, pretty sure you can afford a whole pair of jeans and not pieces."
Me: "I spilt acid on them at work."
Fashion Police: "ouch...well it's time for some new clothes. Those jeans just aint doin it anymore."
Thanks man wearing Jordans and a sweatshirt that looks like a spanish pancho.
Just so you know, that lower hole..the one closer to my knee...has gotten bigger as the day has gone on.
Moral of the story: If I ever need fashion advice, I'm asking the man wearing this throwback Brookyln Dodgers Jacket...
Sorry I didn't have a post on Friday...my day was crazy at work...and today hasn't been much better. Have no fear, now you see I've been learning how to take pictures without people knowing. Hope you all had an equally awesome weekend as I did...my intention was to actually take the rail to House of Blues on Friday night and write a hopefully wicked post Saturday. But apparently the LR comes every 20 minutes at that time of night. And it was cold.
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