Tranny Spotting

Today on the light rail, I met a tranny with a beard.

TECHNICALLY it was just stubble...but it sounds cooler if you say you met a tranny with a beard. This isn't my first rodeo in terms of trannys in this area of Houston. But this IS the first time I've seen really noticeable facial hair on a shim.

TIMEOUT--I broke my sunglasses this weekend somehow. I wear sunglasses on the light rail every day so it doesn't look as noticeable when I'm gawking at people. You know how kids always stare at things that are different? I never grew out of that.--TIME IN (zach morris, anyone?)

So since I am without sunglasses, it's hard to stare at the shemale, but I can't help not staring. So I stare. Sure enough we make eye contact.
Hot mess: "I like your sweater."

--I feel really out of place today on the light rail because EVERYBODY is wearing dark colors and I'm wearing khakis and a pink cardigan...I stick out like an anorexic kid at fat camp--

me: "Thanks....You have cool hair...." I wanted to compliment her facial hair.
Hot Mess: "yeah girl I just got it did this weekend."

I couldn't stop staring at it so as soon as a seat opened on my favorite area of the train, I grabbed it.
I wanted to avoid anymore of the awkward conversation with the tranny.

Moral of The Story: I need new sunglasses or you'll stop reading this.

Thank you for smoking...not...

Today on the light rail, I missed my stop.

Why did this happen?

Because I was paying attention to the crazy lady asking me for a cig.  To give you a visual, she looked like this:

This woman was ridiculous.  She was wearing a hospital gown.
Crazy Lady: "You got a cigarette?"
I nod my head no.
Crazy Lady: "What's wrong with you young people and not smoking?"
I reply, "I've never had a cigarette before in my life."
Crazy Lady: "Well I've been smoking for 40 years and aint nothin wrong with me."

She goes on to ask another guy for a cigarette and he had one.  She says to him "Thanks, I need to get back to the hospital and just hopped on the rail to bum a cig."

So I see people standing outside Methodist in hospital gowns all the time with IVs hooked up to them and smoking a cigarette.  I always want to punch them in the face.  Today, I couldn't help myself....it was like word vomit in Mean Girls......"Why are you smoking if you're in the hospital?"

Crazy Lady: "I'm in the hospital for my gallbladder not my lungs.  I can smoke whenever I want and don't need no criticism from people like you with all your don't smoke or drink when your pregnant talk..you know I did both and my kids came out just fine...blahblahblahblahblahblahblahblah"

Crap..I missed my stop.

Moral of the story: No, I don't have a cigarette.


Have a good weekend...I have Monday off to celebrate MLK's dream so probably won't take the light rail.  But have no fear, Rodeo season is quickly approaching and the stories will only get better...drunk cowboys and cowgirls, what could be better?

Kids say the darndest things...

Today on the light rail, a little girl called out an obese person.


She was the cutest little girl. She was about 4 years old and had her hair in braids and these cute black thick framed glasses on. She was riding the rail to the med center with her parents (I know this because they got off at my stop). She was a very curious girl and kept standing up from her seat, only to annoy her Dad, of course. She looked over the seat at me and I smiled. She giggled and tried to hide...you know the little game of hide and seek you played with the people behind you in church when you were a kid.

Across the row from me was a very large woman. I mean LARGE. I mean, the kind of person that would probably need to pay for two seats on an airplane. It's difficult to judge adults with obesity because sometimes it's a disease that may be the cause. Either way, the little girl kept staring at the woman. The woman raised her large marshmallow hands to wave at the child. The girl had this priceless disgusting look on her face. Her mom was on the phone and she kept tugging on her "Mommy...mommy..mommy!!"
Finally her mom said "WHAT?" (reminded me of my own Mom...don't interrupt her when she's on the phone).
Girl: "Look at that fat lady." and pointed to the woman.
Mom: ", That's rude!"
Girl: "But mommy she's sitting in two seats and there's people that don't have any seat."

My Thoughts? WORD.

The Mom is back on the phone laughing to her friend about what her daughter just said. The girl just keeps staring at the large woman. The woman wobbles off at the next stop...and everybody nearby that heard the loud child busts out laughing. I try to keep my cool and continue my usual morning texting, but can't help but chuckle.
Moral of the story: Kids will say what adults are too afraid to. I wish more of them rode the light rail.

Now, why are you into Vampires again?

Today on the light rail, I stood 10 inches from Count Dracula.

Mind you, I'm not one that's into vampires.  I've seen True Blood a few times but never any of the Twilight movies or read the books.  I did, however, eat this cereal when I was a kid, so I know what I'm talking about here when I say this man was a vampire.

He got onto the light rail and reeked of marijuana.  Bad.  I felt like I was going to smell like I'd been tokin up when I got to work just because of this man.  He was a street man, obviously (learned that term recently since I don't actually know if he's homeless).  He was acting strange...maybe because of the drugs.  He had a very odd shaped jaw and it kind of freaked me out.

And then he opened his mouth...and it looked like this....

He was missing a few of the front teeth...but his incisors were definitely fangs.  He kept looking around everywhere and at one point started to lick his arm.  Yes, he was licking himself.  I was a little creeped out so I moved to the other door.  I didn't want to have blood sucked out of my neck by this guy..not today.

Sure enough he got off at the soup kitchen stop.  Good. Let the soup kitchen volunteers deal with the vamp.

Moral of the story: If you're obsessed with Twilight, you're an idiot.

Not just a short temper...

Today on the light rail, I met the opposite of yesterday-Mr. Type A.

It was a quiet morning on the rail today. The train was full of what I like to call "normals" (aka taxpayers). Normals tend to be boring and mind their own business. I like sitting by normals on mornings like today when I'm too tired to function.

I got onto the lightrail and stepped up to the elevated rows (my seats of choice) and sat down next to what appeared to be a businessman. He resembled my friend Greg. They're both gingers, dress well in terms of work clothes, frantically play with their new droid phone, and this man had a simiar peacoat as my friend. So since I thought I'd feel comfortable around him, I sat down with my coffee mug in my hand.

Ginger: "you're not gonna spill that are you?"
Me: "excuse me?"
Ginger: "Well this is an expensive coat and I'd prefer you not drink coffee by me in a moving vehicle."
Me: "ok"

I put my coffee mug in my lap and closed the lid. I did my usual morning texting/twittering. Sometimes I laugh when I read funny stuff.

Ginger: "Do you think you can sit over there in that empty row?"
Just as he says that, somebody enters the train and sits in said row.
Me: "I'm sorry, but am I bothering you?"
Ginger turns his head back to his Droid. He makes this mocking voice under his breath. I continue to think of how this man is cross between my dad and my friend mentioned above.

Finally, my stop...our stop. I get off the train first but stop to let somebody pass. And then it happened...Mr. Type A-tough-guy-businessman-i-hate-girls-that-drink-coffee walked past me at the height of 5'1".

And I laughed out loud.

Moral of the story: I guess Lee Brown forgot to install the "you must be this tall to ride" signs to the platforms.


-- Post From My iPod Touch

That's not my name...

Today on the light rail, I met prince charming (if Disney based Princess movies on public transportation, that is). 

The rail was crowded today since it is, once again, below freezing in Houston (wish I was still in Cali).  I stepped on the light rail looking for a seat so I could catch up on reading some stuff for work.  No seats.  A man stands up and says "You can have my seat!"
I politely reply "No thanks, I can stand."
man: "C'mon nahhh, I'm offering you a seat, you should take it."
I nod my head No and continue reading my twitter feed on my phone.
man: "Was yo name?"
pause....."Lauren"

Random aside: I always make up names on the light rail. Today I chose Lauren because I happened to read interesting twitter posts from my friend Lauren two seconds before this conversation. If you're reading this, chances are I've used your name before....even if you're a guy...

Man: "Well, Lauren. I'm jus tryin to show you that there are still gentlemen out in this world. Not very many, but I'm one of 'em."
I laugh and notice a seat open up across from him...not thinking of how rude it would be to decline his seat and take another, I sit down.
Man: "Thought you was gunna stand?"
I smile.
Man: "Ya know chivalry ain't dead..you coulda jus sat here and not been all INDEPENDENT (he spits as he says this word with so much emphasis)"
I smile again.
A few stops go by without him talking to me.  I begin to play with my work ID tag (worn attached to my pant pocket)..it's one of those fun cord ones that you can pull in and out.  It's a nervous habit of mine.  It's time for my stop...I stand up with ID in hand (because I'm still playing with it).
Man: "I thought you said your name was Lauren???"
I ignore him, put my sunglasses on and stand by the door hoping it opens soon.
Man: "mannn you lie to me bout sittin down and bout your name...can't get no mo rude den dat."
I think about turning around to say "have a nice day" but instead I'm kind of embarassed and exit the rail.


Moral of the story: Never wear your ID badge on the light rail.

Baby it's cold outside..

Let me start off by saying it is freezing in Houston this morning and Houston should invest in heat lamps at the light rail platforms.


Today on the light rail, I saw people practice making a baby. Obviously, I'm being facetious, but it was the most disgusting public display of affection I've ever seen. There was a couple sitting/standing in front of me. (I had to stand on the light rail today since it was packed). The girlfriend was sitting in a seat and the boyfriend was standing over her/kind of straddling her...every now and then he'd sit down next to her. He was grinding on her as they passionately kissed.

Gross. I wanted to yell "get a room" but didn't want to offend the woman sitting with her child in the stroller so I just continued to stare. Sometimes you can't help but stare at people in this situation- it's like watching bad TV. I mean, I know it's cold outside but you can warm up your baby mama in a less public place.

Then the boyfriend got off the rail to head to the soup kitchen. Girlfriend stayed on and even had some books with her. Interesting combination, I'll say.

Moral of the story: Some people take their own kind of ride on the light rail.

Unfortunately for you, my dear reader, I won’t be riding the light rail until next Monday as I’ll be in Cali watching the Horns dominate whatever Alabama’s mascot is…all I know is their costumed mascot is an elephant. And I know a gross story told by a former Alabama mascot- how he threw up in the head and kept it on the rest of the game. That, my friends, is why Bama sucks. So have a good remainder of the week and a great weekend and prepare for awesome light rail stories next Monday, Jan 11th (with pictures!). Hook ‘Em.