I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell

Today on the light rail, I was told I was going to hell.

I hate cold weather.  Hate it.  Maybe I'd like it better if I actually owned cold weather clothes, but I feel like wearing a long sleeve t-shirt, a fleece, and a coat is just fine for 35 degree weather.  Apparently that was no match for the wind this morning, so naturally I couldn't WAIT to sit down on the light rail away from the doors to prevent myself from feeling the draft at each stop.

Yesssss there's a row all to myself.

After a few stops, a man sat down next to me.  My new Palm came in the mail yesterday, so I didn't feel obligated to talk to this man since I could catch up on tweets about people's love obsession with Amanda Bynes.  But don't think I got away without hearing from this man...

Prophet: "Excuse me ma'am.  I hate to be a bother but I see you have nail polish on your fingers.."
I am so confused...of course I got a french manicure before my interview the other day...why does he care?"
Me: "Yes sir, I got a manicure the other day..."
Prophet: "That's the devil's work right der"
Me: "huh?"
Prophet: "Jesus wants you to be just the way you are, all naturAL" (emphasis on the AL)
Me: "ok."
Prophet: "Do you believe in Jesus Christ our Savior?"
Me: "Yes, of course I do. But I also believe it's OK to want to feel pretty by being a bit superficial."
Prophet: "No. It's not ok.  It's people like you that are corrupting our children.  You need to come to my church because you is not completely saved!!!"
Me: "I'm Catholic."
Prophet: "Catholics aren't saved.  You're going to Hell."

I'm done arguing with this man at this point.  First he disses my nails, then he attacks my desire to look good and now he's telling me that all Catholics are going to hell.  This is more intense than the debate I had with CK about Catholicism.

Prophet: "You need a man like me in your life to show you the way. blahblahblahblahblahblahblahblah"

I stopped caring and luckily he got off at the stop that heads to the soup kitchen.  Seriously...I need a MAN to show me the way?  Was that whole conversation a pick-up line?  Boys...don't ever use that one.

Moral of the story: Is the Pope going to hell too??????? 


*title of post=book by Tucker Max. It's an awful awful book, but has some funny parts.*

"I wish I were big."

Today on the light rail, I was called a baby, a term I have heard more often than not lately.

I couldn't do my morning tweeting or texting because I lost my phone on Friday night (stupid dancefloor and/or bathroom at ei8ht).  I have my old phone, but the keyboard is broken so I have to text the old school way and it takes too long.  So this morning on the light rail, I had no choice but to stand there and do nothing.  And that is what I did.....until homeboy started talking to me.

Homeboy: "You headin to school?"
Me: "No..work..."
Homeboy: "Say what? where you work..you don't go to HCC..I thought I seen you get off at that stop..."
Me: "No sir, I work in the med center."
Homeboy: "Say lil mama how old you be?"
Me: "23...."
Homeboy: "Man you's young!"
Me: "But I'll be 24 in 15 days!"
Homeboy: "You is a baby, girl! I actually thought you was like 19 or so...but still...23...man...I'm old."
Me: ".....how old are you?"
Homeboy: "29 going on 29."
clearly this wasn't his real age...I'm guessing early 30s...
Me: "Oh"
Homeboy: "You work in the med center and you only 23? Damn you mus be smart...you go to college?"
Me: "I graduated from UT in 2008."
Homeboy: "Damn girl. I'd holla atchu but you too smart for me. You prolly all philisophical on me an stuff.  And you's a baby."

I smiled.

This is probably the 5th time in one week that I've been called a "baby".  Evidently when you hang out with ladies and gents pushing 30, you're considered a baby at the age of 23. 

It makes me want to find a machine to wish on so I can turn into Tom Hanks.

Moral of the story: But I'm almost 24........... 

Friday's delayed and tomorrow will be nada..

Friday on the light rail, I met a really nice man.  Well, it was technically when I was exiting the light rail.

Man: "Where's your coat??? You're too pretty to be cold!"

I don't typically wear a coat in 50 degree weather, I stick with my fleece jacket, but people in Houston are sissies and always wear coats.

Me: "I'm not that cold."

Notice I deflected his compliment because I didn't care to talk to him...

Man: "well I have to get over to the VA hospital but I lost my Qcard so Imma hafta walk the whole way."

Mind you, this man got off the train at Dryden/TMC....The VA hospital is FARRRRRRRRR from there.  I knew what he was about to ask so I just answered the question.

Me: "Well if I had a few dollars, I'd give it to you but I'm sorry sir, I don't have any cash on me."

Man: "Awww that's ok.  You's a good person.  Have a Blessed day."

I'm a sucker for nice people and my issue is if I actually did have cash on me, I'd probably hand it to him.  One time in Austin, this homeless guy (probably early 20s) was begging on the drag.  I told him I didn't have any cash but I'd be more than happy to buy him a slice of pizza.  He agreed at first but when I went into Austin's Pizza he said, "I'm the one that's supposed to be buying you dinner, I can't accept this."  And ran off.

Moral of the story: If you're nice to me, I'll be nice in return.  If you're rude, then I might push you in front of the light rail.

Now, I won't be riding the light rail tomorrow (Monday February 8th) because I have free parking in the med center and I don't want to ride the light rail wearing a suit.  I hope this helps you get through your Monday.  Tuesday...it's on.

Where's that "virtual fence" when you need it...

Today on the light rail, I saw an illegal immigrant.

If you're not from Texas, than you're obviously from an inferior state but that's beside the point.  If you're from one of those Yankee states, there's something you should know about Texas.  "In the annals of history people [in Texas] will remember 3 things...."*

1. George Bush
2. Crappy Border Patrol
3. The Rockets with Hakeem Olajuwon

Now, I'm not saying EVERY Texan is a Bush fan...and I'm not saying EVERY person wants a tighter border (some people have family on the other side, duh)...but I AM saying Texas cops are nuts.

I'm sitting on the rail and a metro police guy gets on. He was a pretty good looking guy...just sayin'.  He starts taking people's Q cards to check them.  Luckily mine works just fine.  The man across the aisle from me was a different story.

KindergartenCop: "Where's your ticket?"
illegal shakes his head..
KindergartenCop: "Do you speak English?"
illegal nods
KindergartenCop: "You do? Then answer me. You can't ride the rail without paying for it.  What, you think you can ride free? Nobody rides free. Everybody else bought their ticket..where's yours?"
illegal seems to be half asleep or on drugs
KindergartenCop: "I need to see some ID. Right there. There's your wallet."
illegal hands him a paper
KindergartenCop: "I need a Texas ID. You don't have one???  You even live here?
illegal mumbles something
KindergartenCop: "Oh we have more issues than you not paying.  Get off at this stop with me.  You don't belong here."

The policeman walked and then yelled at the man to get off the rail.

Moral of the story: Pay your taxes.


Ref.: Virtual fence
*Semi Pro

"These guys are about as much fun as a tax audit..."

Today on the light rail, I met a retired Navy SEAL. 

Bonus points if you know which movie the above quote is from. Text me or comment to win your prize.

I never thought I'd be standing next to a Navy SEAL...never in my life.  He was obviously VERY retired and experienced some crazy shit from his days in the Navy.  Why do I know that?  Because he had this cushiony head protector on.  And how did I know he was a Navy SEAL? Because there was a patch on the back of his helmet.

Navy SEAL: "When I was your age, we didn't have those cell phones or iPods."
Me: "Yeah but you had the radio and girls had to wear dresses!"
Navy SEAL: "Those ladies sure were perdy. When I was your age I was fighting in a war.."
Me: "Oh yeah? Well I know I appreciate your service."
Navy SEAL: "Yeah you young people don't know how good you have it..watching your friends die..you couldn't keep people close to you back then because they'd just die..."
I smile and nod...and go back to texting Alex...
uhhhh this man is more depressing than the emails my mom sends me....
Navy SEAL: "That war goin on is nothin like when I was your age...it was much scarier and all these babies whining about being overseas need to suck it up.  I was a SEAL..do you know what that is?"
Me: "Yes sir."
Navy SEAL: "I used to be the guy you didn't mess with.  But now I'm too old, so I'm not scary am I?"
I just chuckle..

At this point some other man is speaking to him...I try to listen but just hear the words "iPod" and "cell phones" like a thousand times.  I think he's repeating our conversation with somebody else.

Moral of the story: When you were my age, you probably didn't blog about people that said 'when I was your age'.

BTW, I DO have a picture of this guy but something is holding me back from posting it......I may edit later...



Happy Happy Birthday to a loyal reader and friend, Andrea!! May today and your next year be full of laughter!!!!

This witch be crazy.

Today on the light rail, I met the wicked witch of the west:

I do not own this picture.

The train was PACKED today and it seemed like there were more people in wheelchairs than every before.  This woman was squeezing through the train trying to find a seat, I guess (and we wonder why Houston is the fattest city in America).  She was quite ugly but her Juicy jumpsuit gave off the "I'm-better-than-you-and-I-don't-care-what-you-think-because-I'm-a-diva-and-I'll-cut-you-and-your-little-dog-too" vibe.  I was standing next to one of the center poles, trying not to fall on top of the man in the wheelchair.  This witch (pun intended) comes from behind me.....

Witch: "Girl I know you know how to move when somebody be tryin' to get by."

I don't say anything as she slides past me with her giant fake Fendi purse.

Witch (to man by me): "I said ESSSCUUUSSEEEEE ME!"

Now, I only type exactly how I hear things so don't blame the writer on this one...

At this point, the lady is literally stepping over the man in the wheelchair.  I mean, if I was going to crawl over a man who can't help but stay stationary, I would at least give him a courtesy lap dance.  Where were her manners on this one?

She finally got to the only seat open on the rail and let out a giant "UUGHHHH".

Moral of the story: I learned my manners from Sesame Street, not a Cracker Jack box.


By the way, my phone battery was not charged last night, hence the reason I don't have an actual picture of this woman..because believe me, I would've taken it to post her face all over the internet for being so rude.

What Not To Wear

Today on the light rail, I was given fashion advice from this guy:

Now, I'm not quite sure if maybe he's secretly the fashion police, but his old school dirty Jordans I guess made his whole ensemble much better than mine.  I should probably preface this conversation with this man by telling you a story about my favorite pair of jeans (even though they're only Fossil brand) that I am wearing today. 

These jeans are pretty thin in terms of material to begin with, so that doesn't help when they're being washed often since I wear them a lot.  But if you don't know, I work in a lab.  I work with acid a lot (no, not THAT kind of acid..I'm talking like Sulfuric acid).  Although I wear gloves, I tend to only wear my lab coat when I'm cold or working with cells.  Hence, I spill acid on my clothes and therefore create my own version of acid-washed jeans.  I figure since it's cool to buy clothes with holes in them, it's OK for me to wear these jeans....but they're actually getting pretty bad.....

yes, I am wearing these today.

But I don't really care...might as well continue ruining the same pair of jeans instead of new clothes, right?  Well not what this guy thought.

Fashion Police: "Damn girl whatchu do to dem jeans?"

Me (slightly embarassed): "I dunno"         (I didn't have coffee again this morning, just so you know)
Fashion Police: "You prolly shouldn't be wearin stuff like dat to work..give people some bad ideas"
Me: "huh?"
Fashion Police: "I ono you gots on a pretty nice Northface rain jacket, pretty sure you can afford a whole pair of jeans and not pieces."
Me: "I spilt acid on them at work."
Fashion Police: "ouch...well it's time for some new clothes. Those jeans just aint doin it anymore."

Thanks man wearing Jordans and a sweatshirt that looks like a spanish pancho.

Just so you know, that lower hole..the one closer to my knee...has gotten bigger as the day has gone on.

Moral of the story: If I ever need fashion advice, I'm asking the man wearing this throwback Brookyln Dodgers Jacket...

...not the man wearing Jordans.



Sorry I didn't have a post on Friday...my day was crazy at work...and today hasn't been much better.  Have no fear, now you see I've been learning how to take pictures without people knowing.  Hope you all had an equally awesome weekend as I did...my intention was to actually take the rail to House of Blues on Friday night and write a hopefully wicked post Saturday.  But apparently the LR comes every 20 minutes at that time of night. And it was cold.